- SFX
- Athan’s ‘Let it Cold’ playing in the background
- CHRIS
- Oooh, okay.
- CHRIS
- How's that look?
- CHRIS
- Gorgeous, huh?
- RACHEL
- Hm. I don't know.
- CHRIS
- Hon, we've redone the tree four times now.
- RACHEL
- I know, but the ratios are still off.
- RACHEL
- Come here.
- CHRIS
- (Sigh)
- RACHEL
- Chris, come on!
- CHRIS
- (Exaggerated sigh and then laughter)
- RACHEL
- Look. The bulbs are still more concentrated on the bottom branches, and the lights arc way more on the left side.
- CHRIS
- Yes, Rachel, I see it. I'm also ready to be done for the night.
- RACHEL
- Just help me one more time? We're going to be looking at the tree for the rest of the month. Might as well get it perfect, right?
- RACHEL
- Please? Pleaaase?
- CHRIS
- Fine!
- SFX
- smooch
- CHRIS
- All right.
- RACHEL
- Ha! Yay!
- CHRIS
- Buuut!
- CHRIS
- But, but. You're on your own after this.
- RACHEL
- You love me, right?
- CHRIS
- Yes. Just for other reasons than this.
- RACHEL
- Where are you going?
- CHRIS
- To spike the eggnog.
- RACHEL
- Oh, come on.
- RACHEL
- Don't act like you don't love Christmas.
- CHRIS
- Hey, sometimes you got to get creative to keep the cheer alive.
- RACHEL
- Fair. Bring me one?
- CHRIS
- Coming right up!
- RACHEL
- You hear that?
- SFX
- faint, echoey singing of "We Wish you a Merry Christmas" outside the door.
- CHRIS
- Hear what?
- SFX
- singing grows louder, it’s ‘We wish you a Merry Christmas’. Rachel turns off the recording
- RACHEL
- Is that… a caroler?
- CHRIS
- Out in the middle of nowhere?
- SFX
- knock on the door
- CHRIS
- Weird…
- RACHEL
- Wait, you're going to answer it?
- CHRIS
- Of course I'm going to answer it.
- SFX
- opens door
- SFX
- there is now an audible distortion in the singing voice
- CHRIS
- Oh, wow.
- CHRIS
- Hi, can we help you?
- CHRIS
- Are you... Lost?
- CHRIS
- Or, uh...
- SFX
- singing continues
- CHRIS
- Look, you—you sound great.
- CHRIS
- Gorgeous.
- CHRIS
- But— but, but it's really cold out! Brrr!
- CHRIS
- And we're kind of in the middle of—of something, so...
- SFX
- Caroler continues singing
- CHRIS
- Alright, alright.
- CHRIS
- Well, well– Merry Christmas!
- SFX
- Chris shuts the door. Singing continues outside.
- RACHEL
- They’re, um–still going, huh?
- CHRIS
- Seriously?
- SFX
- Chris opens the door again.
- CHRIS
- Hey, look, I'm—I’m not staying out here. So unless you need something, I'm go—I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
- SFX
- Caroler continues singing
- CHRIS
- (Sighs) Great! I'm closing the door now!
- SFX
- shuts door, there’s an immediate knock
- CHRIS
- Oh my God!
- RACHEL
- Just… ignore it. They'll get bored and leave.
- SFX
- knocking intesifies
- RACHEL
- I think... I think they're trying to break in!
- CHRIS
- Rachel, get behind me.
- SFX
- hard knocking
- RACHEL
- Stop it! We're calling the police!
- SFX
- crack of wood; the door breaks down
- RACHEL
- Oh my God!
- CHRIS
- Run!
- SFX
- fast footsteps
- RACHEL
- Oh—oh my God!
- SFX
- distorted noise followed by sound of Rachel's scream fracturing like shattering glass
- CHRIS
- No! NO! NOOOO–!
- SFX
- scream, Chris shatters
- CAROLER
- "...And a Happy New Year!"
- INTRO
- Christmas Intro theme
- SFX
- sounds of strong wind; car door opens
- JACOB
- (Trembling) Jesus, it's cold.
- SFX
- footsteps in the snow
- JACOB
- Hope they have the place warm by now.
- JACOB
- What the–?
- VALENTINE
- Shit!
- JACOB
- Val?
- JACOB
- What are you doing up there?
- VALENTINE
- Oh, you know, just taking a stroll on the roof– what does it look like I'm doing?!
- JACOB
- Ooo–kay.
- SFX
- something clattering
- VALENTINE
- God damn it!
- JACOB
- Stringing up lights, huh?
- VALENTINE
- (Sighs) Yeah.
- JACOB
- But... Why?
- VALENTINE
- Because Hedy says we need “authentic Christmas cheer”, and I guess authentic Christmas cheer requires lights. On the roof. In the middle of a fucking snowstorm.
- VALENTINE
- So here I am, risking my life for the holiday ambience.
- JACOB
- Do you need any help, or, um--
- VALENTINE
- Just—toss those lights back up to me?
- JACOB
- Right.
- JACOB
- One second.
- SFX
- Huffs as he throws the lights
- VALENTINE
- Got it.
- VALENTINE
- Be careful with the door when you go in! Thing's barely hanging on.
- JACOB
- …Sure.
- SFX
- footsteps in the snow, then on a deck, door creaks open and shut
- ELI
- (From another room) Is that Kane?
- HEDY
- Oh, welcome in, Kane.
- JACOB
- Hey, sorry I'm late.
- JACOB
- What, uh—what's happening here?
- HEDY
- Christmas.
- JACOB
- Your message said there were dead bodies? Somewhere?
- ELI
- (From another room) Yeah, we got it cleaned up!
- ELI
- It was, uh, it was pretty bad.
- JACOB
- Is he cooking in there?
- HEDY
- Yep. You brought the gift, right?
- JACOB
- The gift, yes.
- JACOB
- Right here.
- HEDY
- Perfect. Put it over there. We'll put them under the tree after we decorate it.
- HEDY
- Also, here, sign this, please.
- JACOB
- Okay…
- SFX
- signs a card
- HEDY
- Oh, wow. Your handwriting has improved.
- JACOB
- Oh! (laughs) yeah, I, uh—I've been practicing. Anyway, is someone going to explain what's going on here, or–?
- HEDY
- So we got the case notes from The Curtain last summer. Working name for the Aberration is the Caroler.
- HEDY
- It's some kind of apparition that goes on a murder spree each December and always in homes of people who celebrate Christmas.
- HEDY
- Given that its activity correlates to the seasonal months and the kinds of homes it's targeted–my theory is that it's attracted to displays of Christmas cheer. Decorations, seasonal music, gift-giving, et cetera.
- JACOB
- So it's a Christmas ghost?
- HEDY
- I mean, if you want to be reductive about it.
- JACOB
- Like, past, present, future type thing…?
- SFX
- Val enters the cabin
- VALENTINE
- Oh, man! It is cold as shit out there!
- HEDY
- But you strung the lights?
- VALENTINE
- No, I didn't, okay?
- VALENTINE
- I need to warm up! My ass is about to get frostbit.
- HEDY
- Unlikely. Frostbite usually manifests in the extremities first.
- VALENTINE
- Figure of speech, Hedy!
- VALENTINE
- (Groans) God, I hate the cold. I hate the snow. Ughhhh. I hate Christmas.
- SFX
- ominously low note plays in the background
- HEDY
- Val, not the time.
- VALENTINE
- No, seriously! It's a commercial scam–designed to make people spend money on shit that nobody needs.
- HEDY
- Valentine!
- VALENTINE
- What?!
- HEDY
- I need you to dial it down. If the Caroler shows up to that kind of energy, the whole containment procedure will be ruined.
- VALENTINE
- (Sighs) Fine! Fine. I'll keep my mouth shut.
- HEDY
- Thank you.
- JACOB
- I don't know. Christmas isn't all bad? It's what you make of it, right?
- JACOB
- I mean, some of my best memories are around Christmas time. My mom used to go all out with decorations, and we'd– well, I'd always help her set up. And the dinners…
- JACOB
- Even though neither of us were great in the kitchen, we'd always figure out a way to make it special.
- VALENTINE
- Well, my Christmases were a congregation of passive-aggressive, day-drinking assholes who used–family time to air out their grievances with everyone else.
- VALENTINE
- So, you'll have to pardon me if I don't get all misty-eyed during the holidays.
- HEDY
- So, you warmed up yet, Val?
- VALENTINE
- Working on it.
- JACOB
- Okay, so let's say the holiday cheer works on the Christmas ghost.
- HEDY
- The Caroler.
- JACOB
- Right, the Caroler. Then what? What's our plan for containment?
- HEDY
- That's the question. The Curtain has had run-ins with it before. The team survived via the standard wards against apparition-type Aberrations. Things like salt barriers or light saturation.
- HEDY
- Problem is, those methods are just a temporary solution. It comes back each year.
- HEDY
- My theory is if we welcome it in and let it participate in a well-executed Christmas celebration– –it will appease the Caroler without it going on a murder spree. Maybe for good.
- SFX
- Caroler starts singing Deck the halls from outside the cabin
- SFX
- Deck the halls continues
- HEDY
- That's her!
- JACOB
- She sounds… nice. So what if she just, I don't know, goes on a murder spree anyway?
- HEDY
- I brought the ionized sodium spray as a plan B, but I don't think it will come to that.
- SFX
- knocking on the door
- HEDY
- Ready?
- JACOB
- Let's do it.
- SFX
- door opens
- CAROLER
- (Singing) –lads and lasses, fa la la la la la la la la.
- HEDY
- (Joining in) Sing we joyous all together.
- BOTH
- Fa la la la la la la la la.
- CAROLER
- Heedless of the wind and weather.
- HEDY
- Kane!
- JACOB
- Oh! (clears throat)
- ALL THREE
- Fa la la la la la la la.
- ALL THREE
- Fa la la la la la la la la.
- HEDY
- Hello! We've been waiting for you. Would you like to come in?
- SFX
- slow footsteps as the Caroler enters, door shuts
- HEDY
- (Quietly) Yes! See? It's working.
- JACOB
- Yeah! Yeah.
- HEDY
- Please, have a seat.
- SFX
- rocking chair creaks as the Caroler sits and starts rocking
- HEDY
- Would you like something to drink?
- HEDY
- Um, uhhh… Reyes! Eggnog!
- HEDY
- We need to do the holiday toast.
- ELI
- Uh, yeah! Coming right up!
- JACOB
- Is she… okay?
- JACOB
- She's just kind of sitting there.
- HEDY
- Given that she's not trying to kill us, I'd say this is a good sign. Just… keep the energy festive.
- VALENTINE
- Right. My specialty.
- SFX
- footsteps
- ELI
- All right, everyone.
- ELI
- Got some fresh eggnog.
- ELI
- From scratch.
- JACOB
- Oooh, fancy.
- ELI
- So…
- JACOB
- Did you, uh, lay the egg yourself?
- ELI
- Ew. No.
- ELI
- What is it– What's with you and egg recently?
- JACOB
- Dude, lay off. I'm just an egg guy.
- ELI
- Right.
- ELI
- Weird sentence.
- ELI
- This one's for you.
- VALENTINE
- (Disdainful grunt)
- HEDY
- One for me! (glass clinks) and one for you, our special guest.
- SFX
- rocking chair keeps creaking
- HEDY
- Now, who would like to do that toast?
- JACOB
- Yeah! Yeah, I can do it.
- HEDY
- Great.
- SFX
- Jacob clinks his glass
- JACOB
- So, I know this is weird. We're in a cabin with… a ghost—our guest here, and we're trying to have Christmas even though none of us really planned for this.
- JACOB
- But I think that—that's kind of the point, isn't it? Christmas isn't about everything going perfectly.
- JACOB
- I mentioned before how great Christmases were with my mom. And she'd always give the toasts.
- JACOB
- She kept it real short and sweet. She'd just say—um…
- SFX
- The caroler slowly spills her eggnog on the floor
- VALENTINE
- Hey, what the hell, lady?
- HEDY
- It's fine! Totally fine. It happens. Holiday mishaps.
- ELI
- I'll get a towel!
- HEDY
- Here, let me take that mug for you.
- JACOB
- Should I keep going or?
- HEDY
- (Sighs) Let's just… move on to the next item?
- VALENTINE
- She did that on purpose.
- HEDY
- Tree decorating! As a group! Here.
- HEDY
- Plenty of ornaments. We can just… have fun with it.
- JACOB
- Cool! Uh. These are nice.
- JACOB
- Caroler. Carol? Can I call you Carol? Yeah, yeah, Carol. Do you want to pick one out?
- SFX
- clinking of tree decorations
- JACOB
- You've got your standard bulbs, snowflakes, little reindeer.
- JACOB
- Oh, cute.
- JACOB
- Look at them. Ah?
- JACOB
- You know what? We'll just get started. You feel free to jump in whenever you want.
- JACOB
- Cool, yeah!
- JACOB
- Guess I'll start on the bulbs.
- VALENTINE
- I'll take the... uh… Wwwait, what the hell is this?
- HEDY
- It's a pickle.
- VALENTINE
- A pickle?
- JACOB
- Yeah, a Christmas pickle. It's a thing.
- VALENTINE
- Why is it a thing?
- JACOB
- It's a—aaa… Hm. Hedy?
- HEDY
- It's a pickle!
- HEDY
- (Quieter) Good job, team. I think we're on the right track. Look, she's so relaxed.
- SFX
- glitchy electrical sound
- HEDY
- Whoa, what was...?
- SFX
- burst of flame
- VALENTINE
- What the fuck?!
- JACOB
- Fire!
- JACOB
- The tree's on fire!
- HEDY
- Oh no.
- JACOB
- I didn't do it this time!
- HEDY
- No, no, no, no!
- JACOB
- Shit.
- JACOB
- Eggnog!
- SFX
- pathetic sound of eggnog steaming on the fire
- JACOB
- Nope.
- JACOB
- We need more eggnog!
- HEDY
- We need a fire extinguisher!
- ELI
- Ugh, I got it.
- ELI
- Move!
- SFX
- sprays extinguisher, everybody coughing
- VALENTINE
- (Coughing) We gotta–get it out of here!
- VALENTINE
- Kane, open the door!
- SFX
- Jacob marches over and opens the door to air out the cabin
- JACOB
- There!
- JACOB
- Go.
- JACOB
- Go!
- SFX
- Eli struggling to take the tree outside, door shuts. He and Jacob cough.
- ELI
- What happened?
- JACOB
- I don't know.
- JACOB
- One second, we're hanging decorations.
- JACOB
- The next, everything's on fire!
- CAROLER
- (Singing) Oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree…
- VALENTINE
- Why is she doing that?
- HEDY
- The cheer is waning.
- HEDY
- Reyes!
- ELI
- Um. (joining in) Oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree.
- HEDY
- We need to pivot.
- VALENTINE
- Pivot?
- VALENTINE
- How?
- HEDY
- I'm thinking.
- HEDY
- The lights!
- HEDY
- That'll be fun.
- HEDY
- You take her outside to help string them while I figure out what's going on.
- VALENTINE
- You're sending me outside with the ghost of Christmas bullshit?
- HEDY
- I just need you to bide me a little time, that's all.
- VALENTINE
- Come on, Hedy.
- VALENTINE
- This ain't going well.
- VALENTINE
- Why don't we just use that fancy water pistol and call it a day?
- HEDY
- Val, please?
- VALENTINE
- …Fine.
- VALENTINE
- Fine!
- VALENTINE
- Okay!
- VALENTINE
- Great work.
- VALENTINE
- Beautiful voices.
- VALENTINE
- You.
- VALENTINE
- Come with me.
- VALENTINE
- Let's...
- VALENTINE
- Go hang some Christmas lights.
- VALENTINE
- Come on, it'll be…(sighs) fun.
- VALENTINE
- There you go.
- VALENTINE
- Merry fucking Christmas to me.
- SFX
- Valentine and the Caroler exit the cabin
- ELI
- Can–(coughs) Can someone walk me through what just happened?
- ELI
- Because I don't get it.
- JACOB
- (Coughing) I don't know.
- JACOB
- I don’t know. One second we're hanging decorations.
- JACOB
- The next, everything's on fire!
- ELI
- Did someone leave a candle too close or...
- HEDY
- No, something wrong with the wiring maybe?
- JACOB
- Nope, the lights weren't even plugged in.
- HEDY
- What about outlets? Anything exposed that would have caused an arc?
- ELI
- Nnno.
- ELI
- Nah, there's no outlets close enough.
- HEDY
- Okay, what about the fireplace? Could an ember have jumped?
- JACOB
- From that far away?
- JACOB
- I—I don't think so.
- JACOB
- I think the Caroler did it.
- HEDY
- But it doesn't make sense! Why would she do that? We welcomed her inside. We're trying to give her the Christmas she wants.
- SFX
- banging from the roof
- HEDY
- Oh, great. What now?
- JACOB
- That came from outside.
- SFX
- more banging
- VALENTINE
- Fuck!
- VALENTINE
- Son of a bitch!
- ELI
- That's Val.
- ELI
- Come on.
- SFX
- running
- VALENTINE
- God damn it!
- SFX
- door opens to see Valentine swinging upside down from the roof, tangled in Christmas lights.
- VALENTINE
- Raaaah!
- ELI
- (Laughing) Oh my God.
- HEDY
- Val!
- JACOB
- How did you get–?
- VALENTINE
- Don't just stand there! Untangle me!
- JACOB
- Okay, okay, just—stop swinging!
- VALENTINE
- (Through gritted teeth) I'm not trying to swing, Kane.
- ELI
- (Trying not to laugh) What—what even happened?
- VALENTINE
- (Groans) I started stringing the lights. Well, I was. She was just watching.
- VALENTINE
- And the bulb started bursting all down the line.
- JACOB
- Bursting?
- VALENTINE
- Yeah, like—glass grenades. So I went to check the connection for a short or something, but the roof is real icy and—I slipped. I got tangled with the lights when I... (drops suddenly) AH!
- JACOB
- Fuck.
- SFX
- Val crashes to the ground
- JACOB
- Sorry, Val.
- SFX
- Val groans in pain
- JACOB
- Can I... Can I help you up?
- VALENTINE
- Just leave me.
- HEDY
- I don't get it. The Christmas traditions keep failing. What are we missing?
- SFX
- The Caroler starts singing Up on the Housetop
- HEDY
- (Groans) I don't know this one. Anyone?
- JACOB
- Fuck.
- JACOB
- I've never heard it.
- ELI
- Uh, don't look at me.
- ELI
- I barely knew the last one.
- HEDY
- Who has their phone? Look up the lyrics.
- ELI
- There's no service out here.
- HEDY
- Shit.
- HEDY
- Um. What a lovely voice you have.
- JACOB
- Yeah. Super pretty. I'd love to sing along, but… I don't know the words.
- SFX
- Singing voice becomes distorted
- ELI
- Oh, that can't be good, right?
- JACOB
- So what do we do?
- ELI
- I—I think we need to use the...
- VALENTINE
- (Joining in with the singing) One that will open and shut her eyes.
- ELI
- What?
- VALENTINE
- Ho, ho, ho.
- VALENTINE
- Who wouldn't go?
- VALENTINE
- Ho, ho, ho.
- VALENTINE
- Who wouldn't go?
- VALENTINE
- Up on the housetop, click, click, click.
- VALENTINE
- Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick.
- JACOB
- Uh. Wow.
- JACOB
- Val, that was...
- HEDY
- That was beautiful.
- VALENTINE
- Yeah. Yeah. So what's next on the list?
- HEDY
- Uh… Christmas dinner.
- ELI
- Wait.
- HEDY
- Then the gift exchange.
- ELI
- Oh! Oh, no!
- JACOB
- What?
- ELI
- My ham! Oh, no, no no no no, please, please, please–
- SFX
- Eli sprints into the cabin, slamming the door behind him.
- HEDY
- Ready to get up now?
- VALENTINE
- Yep, yep, sure.
- SFX
- Val heaves as she gets up
- SFX
- footsteps, door opens and shuts
- ELI
- Ooo-kay.
- ELI
- Hey, everybody.
- ELI
- False alarm! I saved it. Well, I mean, the pig is dead, but the ham dinner.
- ELI
- Ham dinner's safe.
- ELI
- I only got ham, no sides or anything, but I glazed it with honey, gave it a little spiral roll cut, and covered it with pineapple rings and marciano cherries.
- ELI
- It can't get more Christmassy than that.
- VALENTINE
- Eugh.
- ELI
- (Offended) Okay.
- JACOB
- Yeah, that sounds nasty.
- ELI
- All right, well, first off, that's pretty rude, guys, so.
- ELI
- Secondly, I've seen, come to think of it, I've seen you both eat food out of the actual garbage, so. (makes the sound equivalent of sticking out his tongue) I think I nailed it, okay?
- ELI
- I've been tasting as I go, and it might actually be perfect, okay?
- ELI
- Like, wait until you see this.
- SFX
- dish clinks
- ELI
- Are you ready?
- JACOB
- Yes, Reyes, we're ready.
- ELI
- Ta-da.
- JACOB
- Hmm.
- SFX
- raises lid, faint sizzling sounds
- VALENTINE
- (Whispers) So it's supposed to look like that?
- ELI
- How…?
- ELI
- What?
- JACOB
- Um. Yeah, that's, uh. That’s pretty burnt, man.
- HEDY
- I thought you said you saved it.
- ELI
- (Crestfallen) I—I did.
- ELI
- It was...
- ELI
- It was perfect.
- ELI
- I...
- JACOB
- So were those little scab-looking things the cherries?
- ELI
- Man, just leave me alone.
- VALENTINE
- Christmas is bullshit.
- HEDY
- Valentine!
- VALENTINE
- I'm sorry, Hedy, but this whole thing is a disaster. She spilled the eggnog, she lit the tree on fire, she strung me up with Christmas lights, and now she's ruined Reyes's ham.
- VALENTINE
- We're trying to give this—this perfect Christmas, but if that's what she wanted, she wouldn't be making it so fucking difficult for us to give it to her.
- SFX
- The Caroler begins singing We wish you a Merry Christmas
- VALENTINE
- Oh, God.
- HEDY
- Fine, you win. I'll go get the spray.
- JACOB
- Wait, hold on.
- VALENTINE
- What?
- JACOB
- The toast. I didn't get to finish my toast.
- ELI
- I'm not sure it's the time, Kane.
- JACOB
- No, listen. During the holidays, Mom would always give the same toast. Even if it was just me and her.
- JACOB
- She'd just say, here's to being together. Because to her, that was the most important part of the holidays.
- JACOB
- And, um…
- JACOB
- I guess—I guess this is the first time I'm realizing that this is going to be my first Christmas where… we're not together.
- JACOB
- And I don't know what our guest's story is… but I don't think she'd be going house to house murdering people if she had somewhere to go.
- SFX
- The Caroler’s song quietens
- JACOB
- I don't think she cares if the eggnog spills or the tree burns down. I think she cares if we let it be the focus. Instead of each other.
- ELI
- I— I think you might be onto something.
- ELI
- Hedy, what's left on the list?
- HEDY
- Uh… Last item.
- HEDY
- Secret Santa.
- JACOB
- Perfect. So we do it. And whatever happens, whatever goes wrong, we don't let it kill the spirit. Let's just have fun with it.
- JACOB
- And keep it about each other.
- ELI
- All right.
- ELI
- Who's going first?
- HEDY
- I'll go.
- SFX
- unwraps gift
- HEDY
- Oh. It's a… A fish.
- HEDY
- A dead fish.
- HEDY
- So… are we still guessing who got who?
- JACOB
- Yeah, no, I don't think we need to do that. That was me, and it's definitely not what I got you.
- HEDY
- It's okay. I figured as much, Kane. But what was it… before it turned into that?
- JACOB
- It was a book. About fish. Like a sciencey fish book. Sorry, I was in a rush and didn't know what to get you.
- HEDY
- Fascinating.
- JACOB
- Fish?
- HEDY
- So the caroler carried over the theme of the original gift and used it for the final transmutation.
- JACOB
- I can throw that away for you, if you want.
- HEDY
- Are you kidding? I'm bringing this back to the lab for study.
- HEDY
- Now, who's next? Reyes?
- ELI
- Sure, yeah.
- ELI
- All right.
- ELI
- Let me just see what we got…
- SFX
- unwraps gift
- ELI
- Oh!
- HEDY
- Oh fuck.
- JACOB
- Oh shit!
- SFX
- Eli yelling
- VALENTINE
- (Delighted) It’s still a grenade!
- JACOB
- Fucking—get it out of here!
- SFX
- running, door opens
- JACOB
- Outside toy!
- SFX
- Eli grunts as he tosses the grenade, door closes. Distant explosion.
- ELI
- (Breathing heavily)
- HEDY
- Really? Val?
- VALENTINE
- Well, there was a pin in it when I bought it! You're welcome, Reyes.
- JACOB
- All right, my turn.
- JACOB
- (Shakes gift) Ooh, what could it be?
- JACOB
- Oh, fuck yeah, another dragon lighter!
- SFX
- clicks lighter, but rather than a dragon roar it says: Where's my deductible?
- JACOB
- (Disappointed) Oh.
- VALENTINE
- (Laughing) Do it again!
- VALENTINE
- Do it again.
- SFX
- click: Where's my deductible
- VALENTINE
- (Cackling) That sounds like you!
- JACOB
- No, no, I—I don't think so.
- JACOB
- That could be anyone.
- VALENTINE
- (Struggling to breathe through laughter) Kane, Kane, that is, that is definitely you.
- JACOB
- (To himself) Okay, I'm not using this.
- VALENTINE
- (Still chuckling) Okay, I guess—I guess I'll go.
- HEDY
- I think I already know how this is going to go.
- VALENTINE
- Whoa.
- VALENTINE
- What did you get?
- HEDY
- A fuzzle buddy. It's a porcupine! Just like you! A little prickly, but really nice once you get past the quills.
- SFX
- muffled angry noises from the gift box
- VALENTINE
- It sounds, uh...
- VALENTINE
- …Mad.
- HEDY
- Yeah, you probably shouldn't open that right now.
- HEDY
- Okay, last gift.
- HEDY
- This one is for our special guest. Here.
- HEDY
- It's okay.
- HEDY
- I'll open it for you.
- HEDY
- It's a card. See? And it's from all of us. It says, you're invited to Christmas next year. Same time, same place. Please come back.
- HEDY
- And we mean it. Right, everyone?
- ELI
- Um.
- JACOB
- Right!
- ELI
- Yeah. Yeah!
- JACOB
- Right.
- ELI
- For sure.
- JACOB
- Of course.
- ELI
- Totally.
- ELI
- Anytime.
- HEDY
- See? You don't have to go house to house looking for someone to share the holidays with you. Next year, we'll be here, waiting for you.
- HEDY
- All right?
- HEDY
- (Sighs) Well, that's all I've got, folks.
- JACOB
- Hedy, you… you did your best. I thought it was going to work, too.
- CAROLER
- (Singing) We wish you a Merry Christmas.
- HEDY
- Oh no.
- VALENTINE
- Seriously?
- CAROLER
- We wish you a Merry Christmas.
- JACOB
- Wait. This is different.
- CAROLER
- And a Happy New Year!
- SFX
- the song continues with instrumentals and no distortions
- CAROLER
- 🎵 Good times we bring to you and your kin 🎵 We wish you a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
- CAROLER
- 🎵 We wish you a Merry Christmas.
- CAROLER
- 🎵 We wish you a Merry Christmas.
- CAROLER
- 🎵 We wish you a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
- SFX
- the Caroler dissipates into nothing with the final notes
- JACOB
- Wow, that was...
- JACOB
- …Gay.
- ELI
- Bro.
- JACOB
- No, like Yuletide gay, like happy gay, like the Christmas...
- JACOB
- Christmas gay?
- ELI
- Okay, pal.
- VALENTINE
- Well, how about that? It worked.
- HEDY
- Maybe. I guess we'll know next year.
- ELI
- I mean, even if it does come back, at least we know a way to keep it from killing again next year.
- JACOB
- Sounds like a win to me.
- JACOB
- You know what? This was great. We should do this for real.
- HEDY
- Do what for real?
- JACOB
- Christmas! How about we coordinate a party back at the office? For the whole team, I mean.
- HEDY
- Oh. Um.
- JACOB
- We can make it a thing! Secret Santa, ugly sweaters, the whole...
- HEDY
- Sorry, Kane, but I don't do Christmas. That was only for the case.
- JACOB
- Oh! Oh. I mean, we could do a general seasonal celebration? Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Yule? Krampus? You don't do Krampus, do you? That one's spooky scary.
- HEDY
- Nope. I don't celebrate at all.
- JACOB
- What do you mean you don't celebrate? You put all this together.
- HEDY
- Sorry. It's just not for me.
- VALENTINE
- Cheers to that. Now, can we get out of here?
- HEDY
- (Zipping up her coat) Right behind you.
- SFX
- footsteps, door opens
- VALENTINE
- You coming, Reyes?
- ELI
- I'm good.
- ELI
- I'll—I'll ride with Kane.
- VALENTINE
- All right.
- VALENTINE
- See you later then.
- HEDY
- Bye, team.
- SFX
- door shuts
- ELI
- Are you okay?
- JACOB
- Yeah! Yeah, I'm—I’m fine. I don't know, just got excited about getting everyone together.
- ELI
- Yeah, I—I know.
- ELI
- (Pats Jacob on the shoulder) Sorry, buddy.
- JACOB
- I guess we should head out too?
- ELI
- Yeah, probably.
- JACOB
- Long drive.
- ELI
- Yeah, let me just put the fire out and get ready to go.
- SFX
- sizzling as Eli douses the fire
- ELI
- All right. (zipping up) Ready for this?
- JACOB
- (Zipping up) Yeah.
- ELI
- You got your gloves? Hat?
- JACOB
- Yeah, Dad.
- SFX
- opens door, both walk out into the snow
- SFX
- car door opens and shuts
- JACOB
- Ooof, Jesus, it sucks out there.
- ELI
- Yeah.
- SFX
- car starts
- ELI
- Hey, Jacob, you did a good job with—with the toast.
- ELI
- Do you want to talk about it?
- JACOB
- Not really.
- ELI
- Okay.
- ELI
- You know… just because she's gone doesn't mean that she's gone, gone. You know?
- JACOB
- Eli, I don't really want to talk about–
- ELI
- Every—Every time you think of her, or remember her, or talk about her, she's—she’s there, right?
- JACOB
- It's just...
- JACOB
- It's —It’s the first Christmas that–
- ELI
- Yeah I—I know it's—I get it.
- ELI
- It's hard, right?
- ELI
- I haven't seen—I haven't seen my parents in years and—I don't know, as stupid as it sounds, and cliche, it does… it does get better.
- ELI
- Not good, but.
- JACOB
- Yeah.
- JACOB
- I just—I just miss her.
- ELI
- Me too.
- ELI
- (Laughs) Do you–? Do you remember that time we broke into your parents' liquor cabinet and drank like… three bottles of peppermint schnapps?
- JACOB
- (Laughing) Yeah, yeah I remember. Jordan threw up in his Santa hat and then he put it back on.
- ELI
- What? (laughing) no, you were so drunk– you were looking in the mirror.
- ELI
- You thought that was you!
- ELI
- Oh my God.
- ELI
- That was so disgusting.
- ELI
- And then your mom, when she found out…
- JACOB
- She made us go caroling door to door with her. For hours, drunk out of our minds.
- ELI
- What a crazy punishment.
- JACOB
- I know, right?
- JACOB
- I get my theatrics from her.
- JACOB
- Still one of my favorite holiday memories.
- ELI
- You know, we could pick up some schnapps on the way home.
- ELI
- Chinese food.
- ELI
- Keep the tradition alive.
- JACOB
- You know what? I think she would like that.
- JAMIE
- Thank you for listening to REDACTED.
- OUTRO
- Outro theme
- JAMIE
- If you would like to join us for our live commentary show, enjoy behind-the-scenes content, and help build an episode, join us at patreon.com/theredactedunit.
- JAMIE
- If you'd like to join us for our early live listens, you can join us Thursdays at twitch.tv/athensmusic or visit the Discord, the redactedunit.com/discord.
- JAMIE
- This episode stars Sheree Wichard as Chris, Shoshanah Hilliker as Rachel, Isla Hinck as the Caroler, Kirsten Ria as Jo Valentine, Ishani Kanetkar as Hedy Hauksdottir, Jamie Petronis, that's me, as Jacob Kane, Athen as Eli Reyes–and the angry porcupine fuzzle buddy thing, and Devin Stephens as Lucas.
- JAMIE
- We are taking a break for Christmas, but there will be some fun bonus content coming out next week, so stay tuned.
- JAMIE
- And we will be back January 2nd for an all-new episode guest-written by Trevor Henderson.
- JAMIE
- It's gonna get weird.
- SFX
- phone signal
- ELI
- (Recording) You've reached the voicemail for Eli Reyes.
- ELI
- Unfortunately, I'm unable to come to the phone right now, but if you leave me a brief message or send me a text message, I will get back to you at my earliest convenience.
- ELI
- Thank you.
- SFX
- voicemail beeps
- LUCAS
- (Singing) Jingle bells, jingle– oh, hey, guys! Um. I know you're all, like, on a really important case and everything, but my mom made a bunch of extra food and stuff?
- LUCAS
- And I was just thinking, if you have extra time, get done early on the case, and while you're feeling up to it, you're more than welcome to—to come over!
- LUCAS
- Um… No pressure or anything, obviously, like totally cool if not, but I thought it could be… fun?
- LUCAS
- We could do, I don't know, charades.
- LUCAS
- We could do charades.
- LUCAS
- I like charades.
- LUCAS
- I'm pretty good at it.
- LUCAS
- But totally up to you guys.
- LUCAS
- I know going out and being on a case can be really, really stressful.
- LUCAS
- And you might just want to go home and unwind, and all that.
- LUCAS
- But—but if anybody's feeling up to it, like the door's open.
- LUCAS
- Yeah.
- LUCAS
- Anyways, I'm really sorry–I called three times.
- LUCAS
- The second time was a butt dial.
- LUCAS
- And well, this time I wanted to make sure to leave a voicemail since I didn't the other time, the first time.
- LUCAS
- Anyways, yeah.
- LUCAS
- Um. Love you all, be safe.
- LUCAS
- I'll see you on Monday, or tonight, or tonight, if you're free and—and feeling up to it.
- LUCAS
- I have wine coolers.
- LUCAS
- My mom has wine coolers.
- LUCAS
- Yeah, so tonight, Monday, uuuu–up to you guys.
- LUCAS
- Bye, bye.
- LUCAS
- Oh, it's Lucas, by the way.
- LUCAS
- Lucas Kipp, from work.
- LUCAS
- You knew that.
- LUCAS
- You knew that.
- LUCAS
- Okay, bye.
- SFX
- phone signal beeps
- ELI
- Hey, everybody.
- ELI
- Eli Reyes here.
- ELI
- This is a Christmas song I wrote, so... (clears throat) Sleigh bells ring, Are you listening, In the lane, Snow is glistening, A beautiful sight; we're happy tonight, Walking in a…
- ELI
- …Winter Wonderland Leave me below the dirt, below the trees Snow come down, clean slate, and I can't breathe Put me in a box with a bow Watch me erode and I'm feeling like I'm never gonna be free a miserable night I got terrible sight (breath) I can barely see a wonderful night in a Winter Wonderland Gone away is the blue bird here to stay is the new bird so sing us a song as we float along in a Winter Wonderland Drag me below the street; gimme the key Rudolf gone, so dark, now I can't see Dreaming of fire, so fucking inspired Burn down bridges that I prolly don't need a miserable night; I got terrible sight (breath) I can barely see A wonderful night in a Winter Wonderland ghost of Christmas bullshit!
- SFX
- Wonderland-land-land-land
- SFX
- Wonderland-land-land-land
- ELI
- Give her the Christmas she wants ghost of Christmas, Ghost of Christmas Bullshit!
- SFX
- Wonderland-land-land-land
- SFX
- Wonderland-land-land-land
- ELI
- Give her the Christmas she wants ghost of Christmas, Ghost of Christmas Bullshit!
- SFX
- Wonderland-land-land-land
- SFX
- Wonderland-land-land-land
- ELI
- Give her the Christmas she wants she wants Christmas Give her the Christmas she wants
Transcript from the production script, matched to the final audio.
